Friday, April 20, 2012

On The Rocks: Relationships: This Is Not Me.

Ok, it's time to get real honest:

My relationships are suffering (and I'm at fault).

Let me just start this off by saying that I am a very lucky girl. And I mean very lucky. Although we've had our fair share of problems and such, I have a wonderful family. We have all grown so much closer through all of the heart ache that we've suffered over the last year. Things have not been pretty up in this joint. There have been far too many heart aches, tears shed, and pain in general for all of us. But in between the bad times, there have been many more laughs, hugs, "I love you"s and time spent together. We really have grown together, even if some of us drifted away for a while. We're starting to become the WHOLE family that we need to be to keep each other going. And by whole family, I am saying that I know that Shannon is always with us and watching over us. I am so thankful to have her as my guardian angel.
Missing a few. But our last family picture before we lost Shannon.

Just the siblings.

I also have one of the last few good guys out there. Now I've been through my fair share of bad boyfriends. I was losing out on all hope that there was anyone out there for me. And then I met Preston. Let me just tell you that sometimes I don't even feel like I deserve such a loving, caring, and thoughtful boyfriend. Sure, sometimes he gets on my DAMNED NERVES, but I love him more than I ever thought I could love someone. I have never felt this way about anyone before. He is truly my best friend. I can tell him anything and everything. Although I do keep some things to myself for the sake of his sanity. He will hold me through my tears and be by my side no matter what. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have him. Just thinking about our love makes me get goosebumps. Yeah, it's that kind of love. Be jealous.
I mean look at this kid! How could I not love him?

Now when it comes to friends, I usually feel like I'm lacking in that department. My mom and my sisters are my closest friends. I would not be where I am today without them. Outside of that, I really don't have much in the way of friends. I have my childhood best friend. I love her dearly, but we never see each other even though we only live miles apart. We talk about silly things like our dogs, but never about anything real any more. She will always be my best friend. We've been through too much together to not be friends. I also have a group of friends from my previous job. I love them, but don't see or talk to them often. These are the most fun, encouraging, thoughtful, non-judging ladies that I have ever met. I just wish all of our busy lives with the exception of my incredibly boring one would sync up more often so we could see each other more.

Now to move on to the point of this post. I have let so many things get in the way of having good, healthy relationships with the people that I love. And I think that my weight and the way I feel in my own skin (horrible) is the biggest thing holding me back. I don't even like to leave my house most of the time if I don't have to. I think that people have started to realize this because I don't get invited to many things any more. I get offended sometimes, but if I stop to take a look at the big picture I realize that it's my fault. Although I always have a wonderful time once I'm there, it takes a lot to get me out the door to family or friend functions. I have mini anxiety attacks when meeting up with friends. I dread family events. I just don't want to see people. I apparently have become a hermit who just wants to sit at home alone all the time. I've always enjoyed my home and spending quality time there, but things have never been like this. I try to push through it and get my ass out to where I need to be, but more often I am finding that I can't. I would rather go home and sit around with the wuppies than go do something fun. This is not me.

I also find myself getting frustrated much more easily. I don't like it when this person comes out. This person is not who I am or who I want to be. This person is unhappy, angry, and has a very short fuse. This person has irrational emotions and can go from laughing to crying with no notice. I do not wish to be associated with this person that I do not recognize. This is not me.

The place where all these feelings are affecting me the most is the worst. The most important relationship in my life is going through the ringer. See, my family HAS TO love me and accept me. I'm the baby and that's just how it is. But Preston doesn't have to. He can leave at any moment if things get too bad. Sometimes I'm surprised he hasn't yet. Just further proof that I have one of the last good men.

He gets the worst of it all because we live together and because I tell him everything. He hears way too many "I'm so miserable because I'm so fat" statements. He's there through all the personal struggles I go through. He does not like hearing these comments out of my mouth because in his eyes, I am beautiful. But I can't fathom why he would even want to be with me. This puts a serious strain on our relationship. The fact that my confidence is at an all time low and I am so uncomfortable in my own skin is hurting US. I find myself not making much of an effort anymore. I barely put on makeup, I never straighten my hair, I wear t-shirts and jeans everyday and never dress up. This is not me.

Because I have no confidence in myself, I don't make many efforts. We fight more than we used to. I get irritated at things that I shouldn't. I don't really let him touch me and act like it's an annoyance when he does. I mean he does get annoying sometimes. I don't want to be poked and groped all the time, you know? But I do want to be kissed and hugged and find myself turning away. It's really starting to take a toll. This is not me.

As I've mentioned before, P is a former fat kid himself. He can relate to the issues that I am having more than most people can because he's been there. But being that he is a man, he can still eat pretty much whatever he wants and not gain TOO much. His weight does fluctuate and he gets down on himself about it. We are currently both in a very bad weight place. I think that if I can get my mind in the right place he will be my best support system because he understands the struggle that is weight loss.
I need to work on my body image issues. I need to work on my health and well being. I need to show my love and affection more. I need to work on ME to save my relationships.

I don't want to let my weight rule my life. I don't want my weight to make me have a bad attitude. I don't want my weight to determine whether today is a good or bad day. I don't want my weight to make me mean. I don't want my weight to make me unhappy. I don't want my weight to ruin my life. This is not me.

This is why I am making changes. They are coming slowly and it is going to be a process. I want to be the best me that I can be. I am going to take baby steps to get me to where I want to be. Baby steps to Weight Watchers Meetings. Baby steps to a pound lost. Baby steps to more activity. (Um yeah, Bill Murray, baby. You can learn a lot from Bob.)

I know that things are going to be slow going. I know that things are going to be hard. But if I take the time to recognize what I have let my life become, I can start to make little changes every day. This will get me to where I need to be. This will get me back to being ME!

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